With almost half of Brits admitting there's not enough physical affection in their relationship, experts tell Abi Jackson how we could all feel the benefits of a little more touch.

 

That loved-up couple you see walking down the street, hands draped affectionately around each other's waists, an air of relaxed contentment surrounding them. 'They must be in the honeymoon period', you think.

Nobody's that lovey-dovey forever, after all. Give it a few years, and those adoring gazes will be a thing of the past, the cuddles few and far between.

Sound familiar?

There's no doubt that it's normal for physical affection to cool off once you're settled and secure in a relationship, and the novelty of new love's worn off, but could we be missing out on a wealth of wellbeing-boosting benefits as a result?

"Touch and physical affection is hugely important," says Susan Quilliam, Durex Embrace's Sex and Relationship expert. "It's not just physically important, but the statement it makes; that you can reach out and touch somebody else, and not just when you're feeling down, but on a day to day basis, that you have somebody to snuggle up to."

And it's not all about sex.

While sex may, in many ways, be perceived as the ultimate expression of physical intimacy for couples - and its wellbeing benefits are well-documented, including increased blood flow, better health, glowing skin and general va-va-voomness - it's the simpler things, like cuddling, caressing and kissing, that seem to be the biggest issue for lots of us.

In a recent survey of 2000 British couples for the Durex Embrace 'Skin Intimacy' report, almost half admitted they don't feel there's enough physical affection in their relationship, with two-thirds saying they feel starved of affection. Nearly a third said they can go for days without touching their partner at all.

Despite this, the survey also revealed that more than 80% said skin contact is important to their relationship, with 70% rating cuddling as one of the most crucial elements, and 61% wishing they spent more time kissing, snuggling and being affectionate.

"It's not only that we're saying people have to touch; people are saying that they want it but aren't getting it," adds Quilliam. "There's a huge gap to bridge here."

She acknowledges that for some couples, a lack of physical intimacy can be a symptom of deeper problems, but for many of us, it's more about falling into bad habits.

"If somebody reads this and thinks, 'Yeah we're not touching each other at all, and we don't feel good about each other, and we're not talking', then absolutely go and get professional help through counselling. The earlier you get it, the easier it's going to be to get back on track.

"But it doesn't mean you have a huge problem just because you don't touch," she adds. "Often, it's largely down to lack of time and opportunity. And very often when you're in a solid relationship, you think you don't need to be touching a lot any more.

"When things are stable you don't feel you need to be clinging to each other all the time, and you have the kids or jobs or your house to look after. Just ordinary touching, let alone sex, can fall by the wayside."

Lifestyle factors also come into play, with time being an especially big issue in today's notoriously busy routines. Distraction is another modern curse, particularly with smartphones, social media and TV's making us ever less present in the moment, and ever more glued to a screen, or multi-tasking.

The survey found that a quarter of couples are more likely to communicate via text, email or Facebook than face to face, and over half claim they're too tired from work, family life and social activities to be affectionate when they're at home.

But the importance of touch shouldn't be underestimated - not only to your relationship, but to your own immediate wellbeing.

Abigail James, Durex Embrace's Skin Intimacy expert, is a firm believer its benefits.

"On the physical side, for example the firmer touch of a massage, you've got the benefit of relaxing muscles and tissues deeper underneath the skin. But there are so many nerve endings in the skin, that even the slightest touch sends signals to the brain which have more of an emotional response."

Because skin contact releases a hormone called oxytocin, which helps harbour feelings of intimacy, trust and closeness. Just as physical intimacy's important in the development of a romantic bond, it's also about "maintaining those emotional connections", adds James.

Affectionate touch also reduces levels of the stress hormone cortisol and floods the brain with a number of 'happy hormones' like beta-endorphins, serotonin and dopamine, which could help you, as well as your relationship, stay happy and healthy.

The survey also found that many people - especially women - say touching and being touched by their partner boosts their self-esteem and makes them feel more attractive and confident. Again, things like this feed back into the relationship, and communication could improve too.

"You'll start to talk more," notes Quilliam, "because when you have physical contact, you feel safe enough to talk. You'll feel more secure and comfortable with each other, and you'll be working together better as a team."

If a lack of intimacy and touch is a problem, there are steps you can take to address it.

Firstly, start small - going from nought to 60 overnight is unrealistic, and putting too much pressure on each other will defeat the purpose. Quilliam suggests making an effort to re-introduce good habits into your daily routine. "When you wake up in the morning, have a cuddle. Kiss goodbye before going to work, and have a kiss when you come back," she says.

"When out together, hold hands. If you go to a restaurant, hold hands across the table. Throw out the pyjamas and sleep naked!"

If it's been a while, and going straight to kissing and cuddling feels like too big a leap, the therapists' advice is to start at the periphery, before slowly, over time, working your way in.

"Try something as simple as buying a pot of hand cream, then sat on the settee, massaging each other's hands," says James. You don't have to be a massage therapist, but bringing that kind of touch back into the relationship will help."

If you tend to sit in separate chairs in front of the TV, move to the sofa. Being side by side will help break down that barrier. "If you're not used to snuggling in bed, get used to snuggling on the sofa first," notes Quilliam.

Durex products are usually associated with sex, and often teenagers and young singles, but the brand's experts are keen to highlight how Durex gels can be used by couples of all ages to aid intimate touch as well as sex.

"I think it's important to take the opportunity to have sensual touch," says Quilliam. "Even if you're not going to have sex, have a massage and use the pleasure gel. That's what it's designed for, to get people enjoying touch."

If you're embarrassed, or it feels a little awkward, don't worry, adds James - it's not meant to be serious.

"We're a nation of very reserved people, and when your skin tingles from touch, it can be kind of embarrassing, but do you know what? It's ok to laugh! It doesn't matter if you find it quite funny, as that in itself can help towards breaking down emotional barriers.

"So have fun with it. It shouldn't be something that feels pressured or difficult," she adds.

:: Durex Embrace pleasure gel, RRP £14.99, available from various stores nationwide


Tried and tested

Abi Jackson seeks soothing salvation with new sugar-free lozenges


What it is?

Covonia's new sugar-free Double Impact Lozenges are gluten-free and suitable for vegetarians. They're non-medicated but designed to help soothe sore throats and clear stuffed up airways when you're run down with a cold. The brown side is warming and soothing, while the white side contains menthol. Contains sweeteners and flavouring.


What's it like?

While they won't 'treat' colds, I found these lozenges pleasingly soothing for a sore throat. Because they're un-medicated, it meant I could use them alongside the medicine I was taking (recommended max dosage is 10 a day). The menthol hit is mild but effective for moderate relief, and they felt less like sweets than some similar non-medicated remedies on offer.


Information

New Covonia Sugar Free Doubt Impact Lozenges, RRP £1.65 for a 30g pack, from supermarkets and pharmacies nationwide